Family Ties

When a family has a history of emotional abuse, making one of the members the family 'bucket' and blaming everything that goes wrong (even the weather) on them, relating to them in any sort of a meaningful way can be difficult, if not impossible. When you can, distance yourself from them -- literally. Through no choices of my own, I found myself 1500 miles from my parents and sister. While a lot of buttons can certainly be pushed long-distance, there is a sweet serenity knowing that they are not likely to come barging into my house unannounced.

At the same time, distance can help one to get in touch with the real feelings and even help to unearth areas that have not yet been processed, and help them to heal.

Of course, the family enabler (there is always one) will do many things to attempt to draw the bucket back into the toxic family circle. They will ignore the abuse and insist that you pay homage to the abusers. They will try to recruit the rest of the family members to encourage that sort of agenda. It can be very difficult, whether your birth family is near or far, to stay centered on yourself as an individual rather than to be pulled away into yet another distructive set of interactions. That's where the Twelve Steps come in -- they will help you to stay grounded. Also, quiet, prayer and meditation work to create serenity in the midst of conflicting emotions.

What's a bucket?

There is something that occurs in just about every family, yet is rarely discussed except, perhaps with a therapist or in a support group of some kind -- that is the fact that usually one person in the family is labelled (figuratively or literally) the family 'bucket'. That person is the one who gets blamed when anything goes wrong -- including the weather. That person is the one who is never good enough, smart enough, good with money, selfless, etc.

Having suffered through this experience in my birth family and, I hope, emerged from it, it seems valuable to share my experiences and insights with others, in hopes that there might be an 'aha' moment that might cause years of wasted emotions, not to mention time and money, to be saved.

There are many wonderful 12-step groups available -- they have brought serenity and sanity into the lives of countless millions of people. It is my recommendation that groups be started for those who have found themselves helpless and powerless, tied into a family that treats them like merde, and then justifies it for whatever reason.

Hence the title of this blog.